From the time that I was a teenager and starting to look around at the views of the differing churches and beliefs, I really did start to wonder about all the contrary views that are held. Why was it that god let so many people have such very different interpretations of what it was that god was supposed to have instructed us for how to live our lives. God was giving the people of the world his divine guidance, right? He created the world and everything in it including his pride and joy creation, humans, and even left us with the user manual, the “good book”. So, why was it that his guidance was always so grey and difficult to understand?

I was raised in the Church of England - that’s the church that was established thanks to the family values of Henry VIII. I was taught to sing “Jesus loves me this I know because the bible tells me so” as soon as I was old enough to start to put sentences together on my own. The bible, being held universally as the “good book”, the source of all truth, god’s word given to us through divinely inspired men, could not be doubted and certainly no blasphemous thoughts could be tolerated when it came to discussions about the bible. It is so revered that you even put your hand on it when giving your oath to tell the truth in the courts of our highest legal processes! No doubt at all that the indoctrination of the truth and validity of the bible was complete and unassailable.

The existence of god could not be questioned

With that kind of background, the existence of god went without any question whatsoever. The question that I was trying to answer for myself was “Where is he?” and “What exactly does he want from me?” I was actually afraid to even entertain any thoughts that god might not exist because I was assured that this would only be allowing satan to influence my thinking and lead me away. I now see how utterly illogical that thinking was. How could I be at all concerned that satan exists if I was thinking that god does not exist? As confused as all this was for me in those years, I am sure that I was no different to everyone else that I ever knew in those times although no one ever talked about it. Religion was one of the three topics that you simply did not discuss, the other two being a woman’s age and how much money do you make.

The only source of information at the time was from those who were actively out there preaching all this religion stuff. My mother, who was the religious prime mover in our house certainly would not actually talk about god, that was the job of the local minister who’s words were always true without question. The result is that you only get the same arguments for god but generally dished up with a different flavor depending on who you happened to meet. I was happy to discuss all kinds of subjects with missionaries who occasionally called in. I talked with believers from various churches and did a lot of observation. My reasoning was that if I get the full overview of this jesus story it will become very clear to me and I would then know that it was all true after all and I could happily blunder on with my otherwise ordinary life.

Bizarre claims

Along the way, of course, I encountered some quite bizarre claims about god, jesus, miracles, anecdotal evidence for god, and listened to many people very sincerely telling me that god is there (er, somewhere, er, well, actually everywhere), that he loves me, is waiting to help me, and he wants to help me so much. But first, I have to open my heart and mind to the teachings, accept everything totally, and all would be well. All the “teachers” were careful to point out that I should reject any reading or listening to “non faith promoting” material. Now, I thought first that this caution was being given to make sure that I was protected from evil and the terrible consequences that could come of it for my life. I have since learned that this was just to ensure that I stayed in the fold and did not start to listen to stories (you know, facts) that could lead to questions, and the questions would be a little too difficult for the teachers to have to deal with.

When I did have doubts, and I had many, I tended to look at all the people around me who were so devout in their belief in god. I considered myself a person who was not nearly as bright, educated and well-read in religion as they seemed to be. This led me to rationalize that if it were good enough for that person, whom I respected and who seemed to be leading a happy and successful life, then I should put away my doubts and believe just as they do. This was quite easy to do, and professing faith as they did always led to praise and acceptance, something that we all crave especially when we are young. All the guilt trips going on in my mind were kept sufficiently buried as to only affect me personally, but not my great performance when in company.

Joining and giving up on churches

I even joined some churches, but soon fell away. I was a practicing mormon for about four years. However, that ended abruptly when I found that the bishop, the same man who had asked me some very personal and embarrassing questions about my personal worthiness to be in god’s church, was having a quiet little affair with a young and very attractive woman in the church whose husband was had become an invalid through an accident. He was one of the guys that I thought to be so devout and righteous. This led me to start to look a little more critically at those whose opinions I had valued so highly for so long. My naïve view of people and acceptance at face value had finally been given a wake-up call. End result of these excursions into the world of church going christianity was that I simply stopped believing that god was available to me through an organized social structure like a church or group of other believers. It seemed now that god had to be only available to me as a personal god and that I would seek him out in my own way.

The process was much slower than the narrative here would suggest. I just carried on with my life and did not consider the matter of religious belief too seriously – about the same as the greater number of people who call themselves christians today. If asked on any documentation or in conversation, I would respond that I was Christian protestant. Finally, I stepped back and asked myself why I perpetuated this lie. I was no more a christian protestant then I was a muslim or member of any other specified belief system or church. I finally had the courage to state that I was simply of “no religion”. I felt much more comfortable with this statement than leading people to think that I actually had belief in god, even though the lingering indoctrination of my childhood still haunted me in my quieter moments of reflection.

The new search

In the last few years, I have thought it best to pursue the matter and put to rest once and for all if this god stuff has any merit and just how true it all really is. One of the main catalysts for this action was that now the information is so easy to access. I can comfortably sit and get a huge amount of information from all sides and all persuasions.

In this new search for god I have tried to be very open minded and put aside the previously held views, notions, explanations, interpretations and teachings, none of which I could actually give much credence due to their performance so far. It was time to take a quiet, rational, subjective look at why I should believe and accept the notion of a god as actually being true. I set out with the guideline that that the truth is the truth and that it does not vary and cannot be injured by any line of enquiry. Truth just stands like a rock so if religious texts are actually true as they purport to be, and god actually exists, then those simple facts would stand and be unassailable.

The picture took quite a while. There is just so much information available and you must go through so much to get a balanced viewpoint. I had long ago given up on listening to people’s interpretation of the scriptures. Surely, if a scripture is divinely given for the benefit of mankind, especially for me, then surely I will be able to figure it out for myself. After all, it is my interpretation that is important, and not the spin given to them by those with a vested interest in the outcome.

My inquiries now, at this stage in my life, have followed the process of identifying and evaluating the different aspects of all the beliefs, examining them individually, and accepting or discarding them as they were demonstrably and definitively proven to be true or false. Of course, once a “truth” is shown to be false by this process, it has a knock-on effect. Once one belief is shown up to be false, it invariably takes down another, then another, and soon the whole house of cards comes down.

Bathwater

What finally ends up happening is that you have thrown out all the bath water and discovered that there is no baby! It was ALL just bathwater, and very murky bathwater at that. I can very clearly see why faith is so important. All the churches have to offer is bathwater and the promise that the baby is there but that is the bit that you have to take on faith.

At this time, I thought it best to actually read the bible. Yes, just like most people who say that they believe the bible to be the absolute and definitive word of god, I had not actually read it. When I was young I was not really a reader of books, not seriously anyway, and certainly any attempt to read the bible did not last long since I found it very tedious. So I had left the task to all the aforementioned “teachers” and let them show me the few passages that clearly proved the various points, and accepted their interpretations. After all, these were the people who were actually paid to do this stuff, right? They had the job of being god’s messenger to us all, to study and preach the gospel and let us know what it said and what god needed us to do to be a “good and faithful servant”.

Read the good book to find the truth

They say that the bible is the product of revelation. Well, by reading it, it was certainly a revelation to me! When reading about the behavior of god as he is depicted in this absolutely inerrant book, I was amazed at how he could possibly be held in such high regard by so many people. The answer can only be that they have never actually read the bible. I was quite shocked to read about why Cain killed his brother. I was shocked to read about the life and times of Abraham. This is the guy who started the whole thing, the first of god’s men and considered the father of the three main monotheisms which all profess to worship the god of Abraham. Turns out he was a liar, cheat, adulterer and coward who prostituted his wife to the pharaoh of Egypt and that was how he acquired his enormous wealth. Then there was Lot, you know, the guy with the pillar of salt wife. God liked him, but what a guy! You gotta read that one – he is the one who, at the end of a very long violent day, his daughters raped him so that his progeny could be sure to carry on. Job, the guy god used to win a bet, sure proved a few points. Another great story when you read it all, especially the bit about leviathan.

Read it yourself – you can know what is true

At the end of this, the main message and purpose I have in writing this and publishing it is to let any believer or inquirer or searcher out there know that it is all in the bible. Yes, cut to the bottom line right away. Stop listening to all the preachers and the well-intentioned friends who all have their own personal story of salvation, and read the bible. Just be sure that you read it as a standalone text – no embellishments, interpretations, excuses for the nasty bits, embarrassingly stupid explanations, and without the preconceived notions that you may also have been indoctrinated with as a child. Take a firm grip on reality, open your mind, and start with “In the beginning…” and you will be a confirmed unbeliever by the time you get through Leviticus.

Here endeth the lesson on religion.