THE THREE OF ME

I was going to write this article in the first person as I have done with most of my other entries, but as the story evolves in my thinking, I find realize that first person presentation cannot not work properly. However, the first person pronoun “I” is used throughout anyway. But for the purpose of this reading, the first person pronoun “I” does not actually refer to me in particular, although it does refer to me as well. “I” may refer to the reader if the reader similarly identifies with it. In fact, perhaps “I” in this context refers to all of us.

“The three of me” is more a collection of thoughts and observations about the human condition, and are purely the current conclusions of the writer, and not intended to be an influence on the perceptions of others. However, others will find something here that they will perhaps blend with their own viewpoint to make a broader horizon or even basis for further discussion which will then lead to greater enlightenment.

To get the thinking on track, lets start with this; My body is not beautiful; my thoughts are not clear; my personality is complicated; my mind is a blank. In all these statements, who is doing the talking. If “I” have a body, who am I? If “I” have thoughts, who am I? If “I” have a personality, who am I? If “I” have a mind, who am I? It really does get more intriguing all the time, right?

Buddhism gets into this by saying… I know my body, but I am not my body, I am the witness. I know my thoughts, but I am not my thoughts, I am the witness. I know my emotions, but I am not my emotions, I am the witness. So, who is the witness? True Buddhists even go on to say that there is no witness, and there I have to leave that topic about there.

I cannot say that I really get into this as deeply as some people seem to like to do. Like everything, there are those who choose to carry on an idea to its most extreme absurdity. They shave their heads, dress in loose fitting robes, sit around for a very long time, cross legged on the floor, perhaps in a cave coz that is just so much more mystical, have candles burning all around, copies nearby of the Kama Sutra or whatever else turns them on, chant the diamond cutter sutra and pretend to understand it.

About when they simply can’t physically stand any more of this nonsense, they come out feigning serenity and preach enlightenment. To cut directly to the chase, I have never found any anecdote of any “enlightened” person’s experience that I ever thought was anything more than a weak justification for the stupid amount of time spent, money wasted, and physical deprivation endured.

Yes, I am a cynic. Top marks to you if you got that one right so soon. However, that said, here is my discussion starter about the states of “I” that continue to perplex us all.

The first I…

I am the person that you read about on my resume. I am the person described on my birth certificate, and will ultimately be the person on my death certificate. When someone calls my name and I say that I am present, people can look and see me there.

The way that the point of the first I can be illustrated is with the following: Point to the wall nearest you. Do you see the wall? Yes, is the obvious answer, of course I can see the wall. But do you see the wall? It can be pointed out that you do not see the wall at all. What you see is the paint that covers every part of the wall, and conforms to the shape of the underlying structure. So, ask the question again; Can you see the wall? Our view can only show what the wall may basically look like, how well maintained it is, perhaps how old it could be, and likely an indication of what material it is made of.

The first I is the person that most people think that they are. It is the (current) physical embodiment of their individual’s life to date, complete with memories, experiences, upbringing, training, and circumstances. If this is enough for you, and you never wonder about the mystery of life or the wonder of it all, then probably best that you don’t read any further as it may upset your view of the world.

The second I…

I am the thoughts that endlessly go through my mind. I am the voice in my head that triggers my emotions, forms my judgments, that draws conclusions, and that decides most of my actions. The second I is the I who has formed my character. I am the one that a prospective employer is trying to assess at an interview once he has finished reading my resume which presents only the first I.

It is the second I that can control the first I so completely when allowed to do so, which is most of the time. In general, we don’t even recognize the second I because it is mistaken for being simply a part of the first I. “Yes, I am a moody person, that is just the way that I am,” will sum up this kind of thinking. This is as if there were no possible way to control the “way that I am”. This is the closed mind, However, most of the time my thoughts push in to be the receiver of my attention, and will shut out everything else, and consume my mind totally, thereby being the director of my actions irrespective of right or wrong, in order to satisfy whatever imagined needs or wants have been conjured up by my thinking.

When the thinking process is given full dominance, emotions kick in, actions are taken, and so my life and character are defined.

The third I…

The third I really is the back room me, the most elusive I in the group. Everyone has had the experience of being in the middle of some course of action, and suddenly realize that this is wrong, this is crazy, this is not what I really should be or want to be doing. Instant feelings of remorse can surge up, and you are stopped in your tracks.

Often the thinker I starts to make ways for corrective action that will attempt to cover up or just modify the actions and even justify them so that I don’t need that emotional response of remorse. Often this works, and is enough to allow me to continue without being troubled too much. I can even think so that I feel satisfied and everything I have done is actually fine, and I can even defend my actions fully and will do so vigorously if challenged.

But what really happened? “I felt ashamed of myself” is a common statement, but what does this imply? I and myself are not the same person? But I am me, right? Yes, but the real me has been there quietly assessing all and wanting to be heard if only I can do so over the perpetual din created by my thoughts. I have the ability to direct my thoughts. If I can master directing my thoughts, I will also be controlling my emotions. If my thoughts and emotions are no longer in control of my life, then how am I making decisions? The physical me cannot do it as that is just the body and servant of my mind. The thinker – the voice in my head is proven to be a bad judge and needs to be carefully monitored to ensure that they are in line with my true nature. But monitored by whom? What happens inside my head can be controlled by me alone, and if that is so, then the thinker I is not me.

So, how much in control is the real you? That depends on how much you want to allow yourself to truly ordain your own destiny. The alternative is to roll along with whatever comes your way, react to it with thoughts of judgment and criticism, and try to force yourself to be the one who ends up in front mostly by the pushing others down and manipulating situations for a perceived personal benefit.

The third I is not concerned about the judgment of others. This is the real me. the one that I cannot even describe. Attempts to describe this are: conscience; soul; essence; the Christ within; the only real me; and so on. The real “I” is transcendent of thought and as I have often experienced can override thoughts spontaneously. But the real me is not something that I can go looking for. The real me is not what I can go in search of but what will simply be with me when thoughts are directed and emotions are controlled.

As the Buddha said “This cannot be taught”.